Being ‘Too Nice’ To Women,
Not Understanding Attraction,
And Feeling That Frustration
That Drives Us Guys Crazy…
By David DeAngelo
This time I’m going to “mix it up” a little…
I get a lot of questions like the three that
you’re about to read.
A LOT of them.
In fact, I get so many HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS
of them emailed to me that I’m beginning to
realize that I need to write another newsletter
about this particular topic… even though I’ve
written about ten billion of them now.
Read these emails… and nod your head if you’ve
found yourself in a similar situation:
I’ve been receiving your newsletters and although
I’m a little skeptical, I thought I’d ask you a
question. I live in Las Vegas where I attend UNLV
(I’m in a fraternity), play in a kick-ass rock
band, AND work as a bouncer in a nightclub on the
Strip. Now, given my situation, one would think
that I’m just ROLLING in women, yet the only game
I get is from older chicks and gay dudes. And
when I do go out with hotties, I can’t get them
to call me back; girls my age just aren’t
attracted to me like they used to be. I’m smart,
funny, I make decent cash, drive a nice car and
all my “friend-girls” constantly tell me how
hot I am. What the hell am I doing wrong?
I recently had surgery and during that time a
female “surgical consultant” gave me guidelines
of what the surgery would be like and how to
prepare for it. In a nutshell, she was really
hot. The problem is we have talked on the phone
about the surgery and the results and finances
with insurance. The problem is that it’s only
been on a professional level. She is fairly
friendly, she doesn’t avoid my calls, and she
doesn’t try to get off the phone quickly.
So I had her business card and I recently wrote
her an email , to her WORK email address, on
Friday and said thanks for all the help and
asked her out for coffee and she emailed me back
right away and said that “I am too nice” and
totally avoided answering the “coffee” date. So
I emailed her back that same Friday and said
that “you totally avoided the coffee question.”
Today’s Monday and she since hasn’t replied to
my email about going out for coffee. I feel like
writing her back instead of waiting for her
reply. Is this a sign that she is not interested
in me? What do I do? How do I get her to at
least go out for coffee with me. If she does go
out for coffee with me, how do I keep her
interested in me? You are my last resort for
advice. If your advice works, then I am
definitely going to buy your programs. Please
I am recently divorced and am 32 years old.
Haven’t dated since I was 21. So I have just
kind of thrown myself back out there. A friend
of mine told me about you and this newsletter
so I started reading it and am fascinated by
your advice. I have always been the nice guy-
ready with an honest compliment and holding the
door etc. Its not an act – its just how I am.
But I seem to be sensing a problem with this…
With my friends and gal pals I get the “you’re
too nice” comment all the time. I am still
trying to figure out how you can be too nice.
How can you be too much of a gentleman? Is
this truly something that can kind of trip you
up dating these days, if you are like me?
DK – Denver, Colorado
It’s interesting for me to read questions like
The FIRST thing that pops into my mind when I
see a question like this one is:
“He doesn’t get it.”
He doesn’t get it.
Now, I guess it’s probably obvious that a guy
who writes me “doesn’t get” SOMETHING.
If he did, he wouldn’t write in for help.
I know, I know. I’m a logical genius.
But stay with me here…
The three guys who wrote in above all have
VERY different situations.
But I really believe that they all have the
same basic PROBLEM.
They’re running up against totally different
challenges, but I believe that if they all
understood a few keys about women and
ATTRACTION, everything would change for EACH
So let’s talk about those key things.
Here are a few of my key ideas:
1) ATTRACTION Isn’t A Choice.
2) Women don’t feel ATTRACTION for “nice”
guys who kiss up to them.
3) If you don’t GET how ATTRACTION works, then
it almost doesn’t matter WHAT you do. Nothing
4) If you DO get how ATTRACTION works, then
you can do almost ANYTHING, and it will work
Let’s take ’em one at a time…
ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE
Women don’t “choose” to feel ATTRACTION.
BANG! It just happens.
And let me ask you something.
Do you think that the mechanism that causes
women to feel ATTRACTION… the one that
has evolved over millions of years… before
language, before MTV, before you learned how
to kiss women’s asses… is LOGICAL?
ere’s a hint:
The bottom line is that if you interact with
a woman long enough that she forms an
“impression” of you, and she doesn’t “feel
it” for you, then you’re done.
And no amount of chasing her around, buying
her things, and being “nice” is going to do
It’s NOT a CHOICE, man!
WOMEN DON’T FEEL ATTRACTION FOR
“NICE” GUYS WHO KISS UP TO THEM
Remember the guy above who asked the question
“How can you be too nice?”.
You already know… DUH.
Now I’m going to ask YOU a question…
WHY are you BEING nice in the FIRST place?
It’s because you WANT something.
“Oh, no”, you argue…
“It’s because I’m a NICE GUY.”
Or maybe you think that you were born this
way… to be “nice”.
Or maybe you’ve even convinced yourself that
it’s the “right” thing to do.
Well, it’s really pretty funny that the
answer is staring you right in the face.
You keep proving to yourself over and over
and OVER again that NICE DOESN’T WORK.
By the way, I love it when guys write in
to me and say “I don’t want to use the things
you teach because I don’t like the idea of
Then I ask “Do you buy women dinner, or take
Of course, the answer is always “Yes”.
I ask “Why?”.
But I already know the answer…
IT’S TO MANIPULATE WOMEN.
Yep. And then the same guy says “Yea, but
OK, before I get too far off track here,
let’s just summarize and say that it is
EASY to be ““too nice”.
And it REALLY screws up your chances with
women when you are.
Women are NEVER attracted to WUSSIES.
“Overly nice” equals “Wussy”.
IF YOU DON’T “GET” HOW ATTRACTION
WORKS, THEN IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT
YOU DO. NOTHING WILL WORK.
Think about the concept of ATTRACTION
for a moment.
What is it?
Is it important?
Is it the same for men and women?
Do you KNOW how it works for women?
Have you ever taken the time to LEARN
how it works for women?
Have you ever CARED how it works for women?
Are you guilty of spending more time thinking
about what you’re going to leave on your
outgoing voicemail message than thinking
about this topic?
Well, let’s get something straight…
MOST men, and I’m talking about 95% of them,
have NO IDEA how or why women feel that
amazing emotion called ATTRACTION for some
And if they DO have an idea, it’s usually
All most guys know is that women don’t feel
ATTRACTION for THEM.
It’s obvious that our three poster children
above haven’t a clue about how and why women
Read their emails again right now.
You’ll get what I’m talking about.
Notice something about these emails.
Notice that they all seem to be focusing on
what they’re DOING, rather than what they
“I’m in a rock band and I’m a bouncer at a
hot club… but that doesn’t work…”
“I sent her an email, but that didn’t
“I’m a nice guy, but that doesn’t work…”
Can you see it?
THEY DON’T GET IT.
If they did, their emails would be totally
IF YOU DO GET HOW ATTRACTION WORKS
THEN ALMOST ANYTHING WILL WORK…
Here’s the interesting part of all of this.
If you will take the time to LEARN how and
why women feel that interesting and magical
emotional response called ATTRACTION for
some rare men, and not for ALL THE OTHER
men running around, then EVERYTHING changes.
Here are a few interesting points…
There are a few physical cues, or specific
types of “body language” that instantly
tell a woman whether or not you’re a guy
that is even worth a SECOND GLANCE…
If you don’t know what these things are,
and how to use them, then the game will be
over before it has even started.
Women test men CONSTANTLY.
And ATTRACTIVE women test men MUCH MORE
INTENSELY than “regular” women.
If you don’t know how to spot these tests
(and most of them are very subtle), and
then deal with them, you’re going to lose
your chance to create ATTRACTION before you
even GET it.
Being “nice” isn’t the way.
If you want to chase a woman around for six
months, buy her tons of gifts, take her on
a bunch of expensive dates, and HOPE for a
chance to have her as your girlfriend, then
keep doing what you’ve always done.
This is the PRIMARY way that men approach
the topic of “women and dating”.
I’d say that, on average, if you’re REALLY
REALLY NICE, and you buy her lots of
extra-nice stuff, and take a woman on at
least 20 dates over a 3-month time period,
that you’ll have about a 10% chance of her
“falling for you”.
That’s just a guess.
But it’s probably pretty accurate.
On the OTHER hand, if you want to be the
kind of guy that has women FLIRTING with
you within MINUTES of talking to them,
then you’re going to need to do something
And if you want to be the kind of guy that
actually has so many options, so many dates,
and so many women interested in him that
you just can’t take all their calls, then
you’re going to need a COMPLETE OVERHALL
in your thinking, behavior, and perspective.
Yes, it can be done, but “nice” isn’t the
way to do it.
Here’s the irony:
Women DON’T WANT WUSSIES!
No no no!
Women are looking for MEN.
You know, a MAN?
I have a theory…
I think so many women are turning into
lesbians because even WOMEN have more balls
these days than most men.
You probably think I’m joking…
OK, so what should us guys do to:
1) Stop being “too nice”…
2) Learn how ATTRACTION works for women…
3) Meet and date more women successfully…
NOW THOSE are some GREAT questions!
Step 1 is to OPEN YOUR MIND to a new way of
I watched guy who were REALLY successful with
women for a LONG TIME… with my OWN TWO
EYES… before I started to actually SEE
what was going on.
And at first it just plain didn’t make sense
But once I began to understand it, everything
came together in a “blinding flash of the
Next, you need to realize that “nice” and
ATTRACTION are two different things.
And they’re NOT related.
Finally, you need to GET AN EDUCATION about
It amazes me that a man will go to college,
spend a hundred grand OR MORE, and feel
satisfied walking out of that educational
experience STILL not having learned how to
be successful with women.
It amazes me EVEN MORE that guys don’t make
the decision to actually LEARN this stuff.
Blows my mind.
Now, I’ve spent OVER five years working on this
It took me a good 2+ years just to BEGIN to
get a handle on what was going on.
It took me another year or so, AFTER I started
to understand, to actually get GOOD.
After all that, I spent quite a bit of time
writing notes to myself, discussing the
techniques that I’ve learned and created, and
putting it all together.
What’s the result?
Well, now I have several great programs that
I’ve designed to help teach guys how to meet
and date women successfully.
And my stuff doesn’t just focus on “what” to
do. It ALSO focuses on THE WHY, and the WHEN,
and the HOW.
In my eBook, “Double Your Dating”, I spend
several dozen pages on this topic of
ATTRACTION… how it developed, how it works,
and how to understand it.
I get TONS of email from guys who say “Wow,
this really opened my eyes and gave me a
totally new perspective… and THAT is the
thing that has made the difference”.
Of course, I also teach DOZENS of amazing
techniques for everything from approaching
women to getting numbers to taking things to
a “physical” level.
The eBook is a complete education. Check
it out here:
When you follow that link, you’ll also be able
to sign up for my FREE Dating Tips Newsletter…
which is packed with even more great secrets.
I recommend that you take advantage of these
I’ve put a lot of time, effort, and energy into
them, and this is the first time in HISTORY that
something quite like this has been available.
Go check them out.
I’ll talk to you again soon.
David DeAngelo is the author of “Double Your Dating – What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women”, and has taught thousands of men how to be more successful with women and dating.
Copyright 2010 David DeAngelo Communications Inc., All Rights Reserved. “David DeAngelo” and “Double Your Dating” are trademarks used by David DeAngelo Communications Inc.